пятница, 17 октября 2008 г.

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I think my therapist thinks i should be dating other guys. I had an appointment with her today and i was talking about feeling really sad and crappy and stuff. She said that maybe iapos;m finally starting to feel daveapos;s absence and itapos;s sort of like grieveing. She might be right. Iapos;ve sort of been numbing out tjhat part of my life and i think iapos;m getting stressed enough that i dont have the effort to ignore it anymore. She asked me if iapos;d been sleeping an eating enough. I said no: ive only been getting about 5-6 hours a night and i have been simply forgetting to eat. Sometimes when i do remember, i dont have time because im running for one class to another or im running to work or something. She said that maybe i should try the "halte" method to see if that helps, you ask yourself these 5 questions when you start feeling really crappy throughout the day:

H- am i hungry?
A- am i angry?
L- am i lonely?
T- am i tired?
E- have i exercised?

you pretty much go down the list until you hit a "yes" and then act on it and if they are all "no" you have already eliminated some major reasons. I said that iapos;ve been hanging out with my friends a lot so i dont think that being lonely is a real issue. She said that she knows iapos;m a person that need a lot of emotional intimacy and since dave hasnt really been available for that (heapos;s been really busy with school so i dont want to burden him with my problems), simply going out with friends is probably not going to cut it. I think sheapos;s right. Everyone has so much stuff going on in their own lives that i really donapos;t want to bother anyone with my shit.

I told her that iapos;d been going to the gym with Spoon and that heapos;s a really nice guy and stuff. I said that he is way totally just a friend though (which he way totally is), and she said "now why is that?" i said: "well, because he just is. Heapos;s in that apos;friend zoneapos; and the idea of dating him, even if i wasnapos;t with dave, wouldnt be an option because itapos;s just a weird idea. Heapos;s like...one of the girls" sort of in the same way vicky (andrew) is. They may be male, but...like...er... Yeah...not exactly. I also told her about how cool i think my TA is and she started asking me if iapos;m attracted to him, etc ,etc. It was sort of weird.

We were also talking about how i got really upset with dave after i told him that UCSD was my #1 choice for grad school and dave started (jokingly) saying things like: "oh i see you donapos;t want to be closer to me why isnt that your #1 choice? huh? oh i see how it is" etc etc. I know he was joking but i still got pissed off about it. I ended up snapping something like: "whoapos;s the one who moved to north carolina? HUH? iapos;m here i havent moved youapos;re the one that left" i tried to say it in sort of a joking way but i totally wasnt kidding. She asked me if i was worried that id move out to north carolina and heapos;d leave me again. I said "no" because his stuck in NC for 5 years for his program and my program is only 2-3 years. She asked me why the idea of being apart for another 2-3 years is acceptable to me. Well, because thats just how things are. I want to be with dave. Dave is far away and im not going to arrange my life around him. Iapos;m my own person and i donapos;t want to make all my life choice because of where he is.

so anyway, the whole thing was really weird and disorienting. Iapos;m not really sure what to think about it all...

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